Celluloid Confetti

There are two types of people in the world, those who love Hitchcock and those who don’t.

If I had my way, the latter would have their strangled bodies stuffed into potato sacks, and if you didn’t realise that was a reference to Frenzy, I am probably talking about you.

Well, Frenzy (quite understandably) didn’t get featured in Vanity Fair’s Hitchcock Portfolio, a photoshoot which saw top stars, including Javier Bardem, Julie Christie, Marion Cotillard, Keira Knightley, Eva Marie Saint and Naomi Watts recreate iconic scenes from some of Hitch’s best known films.

It’s a fantastic collection of photos, which hold out a tantalising, if not terrifying prospect - what if someone dared to remake a Hitchcock film?

Well, it’s happened already, of course - Gus Van Sant’s odd but underrated shot-by-shot remake of Psycho, not to mention TV movies of classics such as Rear Window. And Hitchcock wasn’t averse to remaking his own films if the mood took him.

But the magic of the Vanity Fair photos suggest the unthinkable - that a new, all-star, big budget Hollywood remake of a Hitchcock classic might not be a total disaster. I think that contemporary cinema is lacking glamour and perversion, and maybe an injection of Hitchcock is just what the doctor ordered.

And the beauty of a remake is, if it turns out to be a bloated, overlong, overblown disaster, you can just pretend it never happened.

I think The Birds would be a good testing ground for this concept. The feathered critters themselves could be realised via the magic of computer graphics, supplemented by actual wildlife photography.

For the leads, George Clooney would be a solid but unimaginative choice for rugged Mitch Brenner, as he has spent his career perfecting his Cary Grant impression (the role of Brenner was originally written for Grant; Rod Taylor was a poor substitute). So why not skip a generation, and cast Jake Gyllenhaal?

But who on earth could replace Tippi Hedren?

Naomi Watts would just be too obvious, and anyway she’s much too likeable. I think the public would much rather see Lindsay Lohan or Paris Hilton get their comeuppance in a bird-stuffed attic.

But perhaps Scarlett Johansson or Jessica Alba would be more acceptable choices.

Those are my nominations, but let’s have a look at some of Vanity Fair’s. For the full pictures, you’ll have to check out their March issue, but here are some glimpses of my favourites.

Can you guess the films they are depicting?

For the full story, go to the Vanity Fair website, where they also have a video showing how they put the Hitchcock Portfolio together.